twenty-eight

As I pull my sweet potato casserole out of the oven on this Thanksgiving afternoon, I silently and sincerely whisper thanks into the air for our friendship.

You kindly took in this little college student and fed her multiple steak dinners. And not only did you always berate me for ordering my steak well-done, you sadly shook your head as I ordered a regular baked potato instead of a sweet one (with butter and brown sugar).

Thank you for setting me straight-
For letting me taste- oh so many times- your sweet potato.
(because really? who needs a desert after all that yummy goodness?)
All I needed was time; and now here I am- on this day of thanks- remembering your patience and wisdom.

twenty-seven

Where are you?
What are you up to?

You've come to mind in the last couple of weeks several times; and I've shared fun stories of our time together with others. And it is interesting, because it's been a while- since I've thought of you, and how you made me feel; and how we wanted each other.

To completely acknowledge how we were both in need of that "rebound" relationship, and found it with each other- no worries, no strings attached, and in spite of the friendship that grew between us.

(letter edited for explicit content: please read more in the blog, jabsdarkside)

I hope you are well.
Know that you are missed and remembered fondly.
I hope those wild oats didn't come back to haunt you-

twenty-six

You are so bright tonight.
And your light draws me in-
All the other lights, usually catching my attention-
Are dim, in comparison.

I need you.
I want you-
And there you are-
Shining down on me:
Not to patronize, but to shimmer your love.

On me.
I am mesmerized by the purity of your light;
Of the radiance that affects me-
Consciously and unconsciously.

You're luminous;
And you shower your light upon me;
(Upon others as well, but I don't feel jealous over your impartial gifting.)
And I am awed in your presence.
Looking up at you, and you looking at me-
I know that my eyes are glowing-
That they sparkle with your message...
Of love,
Of acceptance,
Of consistency.

twenty-five

This is what you wrote to me:

"You make me so happy every time I see you. You are a ray of happiness to me and thinking of you makes me smile."

I love you, MM. I love you for those words. I love you for your friendship. I love you for your art. That you weren't afraid of who you were and how you responded to people. That you accepted me for who I was- and loved me for who I was and was becoming. That you listened and shared. That you sang to me and played your music- you invited me in. We connected and resonated; we sat in council and deliberated life; we sang songs, danced and were silly.

And you never once crossed that romantic line.
You were thrilled to let our beings tingle-
I was thrilled to let our beings tingle-
as friends-

And I love you for it.
Thank you.

twenty-four

Thank you for being fire-keepers
You listen, you admonish, you love me-
You cry for me.
I am touched.
And I will fight to burn,
to continue to shed the light-
You don't feed this flame in vain.

twenty-three

I remember waking up with you one Saturday morning- one of our first, maybe the first. We were relaxed and happy- comfortable in this together-journey. We cleaned while dancing around to Tears for Fears- we went our separate ways, came back together, loved the closeness and the normalcy of being together in such an ordinary way.

twenty-two

I thought of our summer tonight-
It was the summer of storms:
Heat lightening.
And tonight on my way home,
I saw a show: white, silver purple-
Beautiful colors lighting up the dark sky.
It made me think of you:
Of the heat we shared that summer;
Of the potential danger, every time we were close;
The colors that almost did me in-

twenty-one

I melt when you see me
All my resolves are gone
I can't help it-
I'm impacted that you notice;
And that you take the time to make sure I know-

You radiate confidence- not about everything
But certainly about the way you feel about me;
And I can't tell you how cared for it makes me feel.
And that's a good feeling- I promise.
I want you to know that I'm grateful.

twenty

I write you this note to say:

I am thankful to you forever! You said things, pointed things out, viewed my life with such a different perspective....You shocked me into realizing that things could be different; my feelings for you shocked me into knowing that my life could be different.

I know that our friendship was short and marred at the end-
But know that you made a distinctive impression on me; and that because of you, because of the part you played in the grander picture, I am changed for the better.

nineteen

Have I mentioned that I love you guys? That I am still in awe that you consider me a part of the group. Have I told you recently- ever- that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else; but how it still boggles my mind that someone like me fits in and is accepted?

I love being me with you; and I can't believe that the tie continues to last- what an amazing gift of life.

eighteen

your aura is incredible
if you don't have to go- don't

I'm completely blindsided
but welcome more, if you please

my lower lip my not last for much longer
and I am sure that my cheeks will burn off

but I know that my smile is real, genuine- painless
And I can feel the light shining from my eyes

All that passion for life- tapped
And ready to explode

I'm still in shock
Trying to figure it all out

And then remind myself
It doesn't really matter

(except to say, thanks-
for seeing what I thought was gone.)

seventeen

I missed you yesterday.
Long live the 4th-
That's what we used to say.

And that's what I remember;
And I am assuming-
You do not.

I wish you did, though.
I would love to be your friend.

I would love to remember
Not alone, but with you.

And with you, there would be less need
For remembering-

sixteen

You were different than what I expected.
You looked different than I expected-
You were very midwestern, of healthy stock.

And not that I didn't expect you to be kind-
But you were so kind and so gentle.
So sensitive to my inexperience-
To my young, overwhelmed, love-sick mind.

Thank you for letting me love him.
Thank you for making me beautiful on our night out.
I remember thinking, as you were pinning curls to my head, that you were blessing me with your love and approval, that you were placing a crown on my head.

I saw your heart melt as he did kind and loving things for me-
And I loved you for raising him that way; and for loving him for loving me.

I remember you today with fondness wishing that I could give you a hug for the lovely example you lived for me.

fifteen

You are one of the most beautiful things I have seen-
Your natural beauty radiates spiritual confidence.
Any extra color would be lost in the heavenly colors that brighten your cheeks.

And I know that you are often close to tears- your pain is great. But those tears sparkle like diamonds in your eyes and on your cheeks.

You shine with grace: grace for others.

I don't really talk to you; but I listen to what you have to say-
and I love to look at you.

And I appreciate the direction of your heart...

fourteen

I want to be the light of your eyes
the warmth of your soul
The everything and more
You could ever ask for
I love you
But it takes you loving me too
Not by your words-
(Just) throw them to the wind
Give me your actions,
The motivation behind them.
And you will find yourself
As the light in my eyes.

thirteen

Lover, fall onto me
Fall into me
And stretch about
Let the sun- my love-
Warm your skin
Be comfortable, be warm
As the heat grows stronger
It becomes sustinence-
A heart beat, life and breath
Moments lengthen
Boundaries are erased
Are you me?
Or are you just in me?
There is nothing left
But to face Him

twelve

Search deep-
It will be there
Bright with light
Please care!

Hope is the ray
Full of power!
Start to believe
Right this hour!

Turn the hate
Into love-
Need help?
Ask the ONE above.

Revenge?!
Not really the key
Only move on-
Can’t you see?

Reaching for the future
And sharing what you’ve learned
Will defeat the evil
Letting goodness take its turn.

eleven

I imagined I saw you
But instead of calling out your name
I let you walk by
You’re a stranger now
Nothing that connected us
Continues to exist
I live on- thinking
With a little sadness
How things turned out.
Life is quite ironic
And keeps me interested
With its little twists

ten

I wonder about your kiss-
Is it comforting?
I wonder about your eyes-
Will they view me fondly- unconditionally?
I wonder about your arms-
Are they always able to hug- instantly?
I wonder about you-
Would you be happy with me?
I wonder about me…

nine

You became my knight
Dressed in white
You swept me off my feet
Too bad not under the sheet
You kissed me with passion
I wish it wasn’t my fashion-
My confidence I forsake
The torment is a dull ache.

eight

March 14, 1999 11:03pm

Against my better judgment
My admiration for you
Remains consistent.
Doubts creep in.
But what are they in
Comparison to a
Smile or touch from you?

seven

February 21, 1999

Not even a day
Since I’ve seen you last
I can’t seem to get you
Out of my head.

six

I love you for being brave.
I love you for sharing that information-
You really did mention "the most difficult."

I'm proud of you for not shying away from the truth.
For unrolling it out to 8 strangers-
For letting your eyes fill with tears,
And for letting your voice crack.

Thank you for being blatantly human;
And rawly honest;
I love your vulnerable history.

Thank you for letting me hear it; and see it.

five

A complete stranger and she hugged me twice. She welcomed me with open arms after 30 seconds of sharing the same space.

I felt loved, accepted, supported; like this was a "back in the day" girlfriend, like we've been friends forever.

And I've only just met you-
And let me be clear. In some ways, I've only just met me. Thank you for giving me your phone number; you don't know how many times I've wanted to call and share with you, but I am not sure what to say- "Remember me? The girl you just met the other day for 30 minutes?"

And then I feel foolish for not already calling and for leaving things hanging in the way I have- we should go out for drinks. Teach me this area; share with me your love and passion for the locals. And yes, help me find my colors; help me choose the ones that will make me beautiful.

Let's dance and drink and hug again.

four

I don't deserve you.
Your constant, never-ending belief in my capabilities humbles me. Your flow of spirit-energy gives me this perpetual hugged feeling; my hope is ever renewed.

You are beautiful to me.
You are your own light from which I draw strength.
Thank you for believing in my light and tending to it.

three

You were the class clown
We shared meaningful glances
Your grin did incomprehensible things to my heartbeat
I knew that we were meant to be together forever
But we were young
And I moved away
I hope that your grin still exists
I hope that someone has fallen in love with it
I hope that you are happy

Thank you for sharing your grin
Thank you for making my young heart race

Thank you for never breaking my heart.

two

There she stands-
In all her glory as fire keeper.
She majestically wears a house dress,
Making it seem more like a satin gown.

It is a bold, African print;
Billowy and perfectly complimenting her tone:
Of skin, of attitude, of life.

I lean on her knowledge and experience.
She leads me down this path of burning my past:
Responsibly.
There are rules for such things:
For protection- of body, of nature, of heart.

She brandishes her mixing stick:
A twisted thing of length.
She teaches and explains the process:
She shares.

And I drink in the moment of teaching.
I am awed by her beauty, knowledge, ravage nature.
I appreciate the moment of nearness;
And I am sad for the upcoming separation.

I love this woman and her ways.
I respect our differences;
And want to be more like her at the same time.
I am moved that she is my friend-
That she had been my friend for more than half my life.

And that we have more life to live together.

one

You let me be me and I am thankful for that.
You let me be loud and crazy: thank you.
You let me leave: thank you?