2023, December Love Letter 1

Dear You, 

It's another day when maybe as much as you wanted to do, didn't get done. You can try again tomorrow. Your worth isn't tied to how many checks might be on your TODO list.

Love, 

Me

2019, Love Letter 1

The truth is ... you were the last straw.

The straw that shattered me – and shattered my heart.

And I was left, in the down below, flabbergasted…wondering how I was going to pick up – to find – all the pieces that were left on the ground around me. In this strange place, with these kind people…but still, people who wouldn’t expect to find the debris littering their home.

I did the best I could to pick up the pieces.

To clean the gore.

I took what I could, what I found, and packed it away, in any space that would fit – and vacated. 

Like the wanderer I am, I hit the road. The only lust that seems to have done right by me…the wandering kind. And while the road led me home, it wasn’t a home I recognized.

And the heart I’ve pieced together doesn’t seem near the same as it was when I left.

I haven’t figured out yet whether this is a good thing, or a bad.

I think it’s just one of those things that is…that you have to develop a new reality around.

The present is the new reality.

Not one I wanted, but one I’m trying to settle into…

You could say it’s a “love the one you’re with…” kind of life.

One in which the miracle is the no…but god – what a hard miracle to live, to love.

No, this isn’t about you.

It’s about me: what I’ve learned, and what I’m learning –

And how I’m shutting myself up and tucking away my heart, because thinking about…

…well, there’s nothing to think about, because it’s better not to…

sigh

You were the lesson that taught me what it means to value integrity over connection.

And while I was focused on maintaining a wholeness that didn’t compromise my self-ness or the boundaries I had set from day one, I didn’t see how broken (in a different kind of way) it would leave me.

2018, Love Letter 11

This is exactly what I long to tell you…

I fell in love with this sign today at the vintage shop, and I wanted to send you the picture I took. 

I wanted to buy the sign and put it up in our house. I want to sit next to you on the sand and listen to the waves, and be close enough to lean on your shoulder for a moment or two.

And maybe whisper how much I love you and this life we’ve built together.



But instead of saying, “I love you,” I would have said, “You, me and the sea.”

Low and thick with emotion.

And you would have looked at me with a knowing, a complete understanding, in your eyes, and brushed your lips gently against my forehead.

And my eyes would have shone brightly with the diamond-tears that only a lifetime together can express.

—

That’s how it would have been, my dear.

2018, Love Letter 10

In characters of living light,
Of kindly deeds and actions wrought.
And these, beyond the touch of time,
Shall live immortal as my thought.*

Somehow, you’ve pegged me well.

And I am on this side of it wondering, did we talk that much before?

I don’t really remember offering that much of a view to my insides…

But, I do know you to be…brilliant.

So smart.

You know things.

And maybe, I should just trust the fact that you know me too.

—

You take pictures of things that make you happy.

Yes. Exactly.

Why couldn’t I find those words?

As things are; how they are; when they are…

I want to remember.

Just like, I want to remember you…

—

And I do.

All the times you made me smile…

All the times, I felt like someone was on my side…

All the times, you shared your experience with me…

All the times I felt like there was never enough time…

Your kind deeds live in my heart.

—

And, somehow, without having – what I think – is enough time, there’s been enough time for memories to last.

You’ve been an important player, without having played much.

You matter.

And when I ask you, “How’s your heart,” I care more than I can explain.

—

But, I think you know.


*from Carving a Name by Horatio Alger Jr.

2018, Love Letter 9

There are some people who – by their service – make a huge impact.

You, my dear, are one of those people.

The way you love.

The way you serve.

The way you remain consistent, never failing, always giving — it’s an act of creation, it’s passion, it’s…

Awe-inspiring.

You inspire (you create) awe within me.

—

I feel like sometimes, you just see the trees – the individuals in your path that need love and care – and your focus is tight on that moment-by-moment act of service.

I need you to know that there’s a whole forest – the individuals who see your commitment, who are witness to your love – who are in the path of your light-ripples, who have the opportunity to absorb the courage you present.

You present (offer) courage.

It is your gift…

…one that I am thankful – oh, so thankful – to be challenged by!

2018, Love Letter 8

There are so many things I want to tell you.

There’s a backlog of stories, thoughts, antidotes – questions – that I want to send your way. I feel like a pen-pal that’s behind on sending letters.

I have a treasure-trove of thanks to share with you for being you…the kind of person who pursues creation.

You inspire me. So often.

And I don’t take the time, the second, that I should to send acknowledgement your way.

—

Sure. We don’t always get it right.

But we keep trying, right?

Life. Living. Learning.

Growth.

Somehow, in one simple sentence, you’ve summed up everything I want to say to you: “I’m really glad I know you.”

BOOM.

My world rocks just a little bit from…

the kindness of it…

the power of it…

the generosity of it…

the evaluation of it…

And, of course, the unfairness of it that you said that words first.

I didn’t; I couldn’t; I was struggling to convey, to share, to communicate…

How in the world is communication a struggle for me?!

Let me just ask you that –

—

I appreciate you more than I can say…

(…and I know that I should try to say it more often.)

I am so thankful that our paths crossed and that you’re among the stars that shine light and inspiration on my path.

That’s how I see you, if I haven’t said it before, a star full of history, experience, wisdom – full of light – and full of presence, making “the now” count, taking charge of each moment to give light.

—

I know it’s not easy: it’s a constant conversion, a state of releasing energy…

It’s action.

You are action.

2017, Love Letter 14

Always with me, my budding giant.

I’m so proud of your development, your growth.

All the changes that come and go where I see you choose to rise -

Above yesterday…
Above yourself…
Above Autism…

2017, Love Letter 13

I can’t write about you.

I only want to say good things -
But what comes to mind is a myriad
Of reasons why you’re lacking;
Why I’m lacking with you;
Why we’re lacking together.

Being apart gives us time to grow,
To develop - to survive; and maybe - THRIVE.

But none of this leads to resolution…

Always a meandering path, away from an END;
Always seen as an end,
Instead of the beginning it COULD BE.

The avoidance of finality exhausts me.
And in my fatigue, I look for the good,
The positive - whatever could be a lift…
From the weights around my neck -

The heaviness that pulls me into the depth.

So, it’s best not to write.
Not to think.
Not to talk.
Avoid - and sleep.

Safer. No end.

2017, Love Letters 12

We’ve had a journey of learning.
All of us - in ways we didn’t really expect.

Patience has been the key.

And a healthy dose of perseverance.

A strong spirit of trying - and trying again.
And trying - one more time.

Breaks matter.
Going back to it even more.

We adjust. We grow. We prune.
We thrive.

2017, Love Letters 11

Another moment of 

understanding how to
fill my gaps. No
questions. No frustrated
or hateful responses. Oh,
please let me be like you
when my time comes
to deliver the same. Unbiased
love. Thank you for showing
me support. Kindness.

2017, Love Letter 10

You’re such a weird story -
Hurt and frustration,
Light and life - and love.

You parcel out only what you think
others deserve -
based on a score card,
only you see and understand.

You hold your hand close -
so close;
and you lash out.

Why do you feel threatened?

Demand respect;
And offer respect - with generosity.
If that’s what you want.

Honesty will treat you well -
with time and patience.

2017, Love Letter 9

My creative friend -
Create.
Don’t wait.

Forget the rules.
Take a break from the tie.

Be you.
Be free.

Say the words that bubble on your heart.
Sing the songs of your youth.

Remember the path from before -
and wander on it - for the fun,
for the LOVE of it.

Gather the hearts of those you treasure,
and light them on fire -
with your passion and persuasion.

2017, Love Letter 8

Come to me with chocolate
Any day, every day.

What a lovely prize;
what a sweet surprise!

Your kindness marks you. 

It betrays your heart, 

And its goodness

For all to see -
and take courage from.

2017, Love Letter 7

Humble yourself.
Have faith.
And trust that the Lord
Will lift you up -
Higher than you can imagine,
With air so fresh, so sweet -
the much needed, soul renewal.

2017, Love Letter 6

I should have been happier to see you.
Deep down, I was. Your sweet smile,
And loud laugh - so unique, so filling.

But I was hoping you were gone -
Already in flight.

With your departure, we could count
On the absence of an ill-tempered,
Ill-managed soul.

And not that you should carry the
weight all your own,
But - to an extent - you have;
and we’ve all come to rely on you
as the buffer.

I know it eats your soul.
Sleepless nights. Your skin crawls.

I’m not sure how, but find your light.
Run to it. Embrace it.
Show the courage you require of me.

2017, Love Letter 5

Before it was time,
we spoke - of fun, of fear,
of growth and change.

So much reality to digest
before even the morning
was comfortable with itself.

Such a serious way to start the day;
Such a sad way to start the year.

2017, Love Letter 4

Thinking of your free past -
it makes me smile.

You smile through the
formal present - I think,
feeding on the fun of
the past.

So many stories.
So many memories.

Time to mature - to find
yourself and what you
really wanted; and then,
when you knew, you
claimed it - without reserve.

I admire your spirit -
Your ability to embrace -
and to let go.

2017, Love Letter 3

I didn’t forget you.

How could I when your smile stands out in a sea of selfies, so handsome and warm?

Your smile is so familiar, yet each one tells me something a little bit different, shows me that you’re hiding something new.

I try not to focus on how uneasy that makes me feel inside. 

It doesn’t matter, right? I’m so far removed your secrets can’t touch me.

Right?

I try to leave behind the uneasy feeling by thinking about your warmth instead…

The familiarity of your embrace and how we laugh together.

The sureness of your walk and how I’m calmed by your confidence.

The softness of your sun-kissed skin and how touching it feels like home.

I remember the way you played the strings and sang the songs, and how – just for a minute – my heart believed.

But I know better now. 

Doubt seldom leaves room for trust.

2017, Love Letter 2

It’s been a while, a good long while, but I’d like to resume my sisterly role in your life and punch you in the nose. Only hard enough that it leaves a black eye.

You’ve forgotten your place.
You’re not seeing things clearly.

And I think, if you had a black eye to look at when you see yourself in the mirror, you’d remember who you are and what you’ve worked for – what’s at stake.

I feel like it would help you remember the difference between long and short term consequences.

Your eye – would heal.
Hearts – take longer; sometimes, never do.

With your actions, your choices, you’re turning the hearts of those around you – those who love you – black and blue with pain and sorrow.

Nicely done, bruh. 

That’s a pretty big mess you’re leaving behind…and for what?

Can you please explain to me why – WHY – you’re digging your hole deeper? What could possibly be worth the value you’re tossing aside? Seriously. WTF, man?

I speak as one of the wounded hearts you’ve left behind. Your damage is harsh, and some wounds never heal. Don’t be surprised when you wake up from this lapse and realize you had other choices.

I get it – life is stuffy. The weight of responsibility is crushing. Choosing others over self over and over again can leave you soul-weary. But there are other avenues…

For example, I could have just given you the black eye, talked some sense into you, helped support your heart in it’s struggle for space to move and air to breathe, but…

My heart is one of those left behind in your wake.

2017, Love Letter 1

My heart hurts for you.

It hopes for so much more.
I want you to be happy.

Healthy – making good decisions.
Embracing all the good in front of you –
Within you.

I feel you under my skin.
Next to my heart.

I’m nervous, because I feel the darkness growing,
Blowing out, billowing, swirling around –
Claiming ground.

I’m captured by your smile.
The light in your eyes – the question.

Hope. Anticipation – of what’s to come,
The possible best.

Guard your heart, my dear.
To obtain the best, we must fight the worst.
The battle is NOT for the faint of heart.

I want you. Whole and winning.

I can feel the darkness with you.
But I can’t fight the darkness for you.

I can send you light and love, but alone they are not enough.
You must fight, reclaim, advance – shine your own light.