sixty-one

"A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind."

Damn, but I didn't expect you.
Our hearts, with time to engage, finally sparked against each other. The light was so bright, and I was so awed by the colors...

You were my heart's dream; its shade on a too-sunny day. I loved you and wanted to love you more - I thought my heart would burst from desire for you. The first time you held my hand, I knew that I wanted you to hold it forever.

And when you kissed me, I knew you wanted me. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew that this time, though ill-timed, was our time.

I had to grow up quick. Real life was mad-barking at your door, and though you tried to protect me, I wanted to support you more than I could express, more than I knew how to express. I was too young, too naive...and our love-light flashed, angry and misunderstood. I was blind...with love; with love-lost.

"The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. You left me in the dark - no dawn, no day. I'm always in this twilight; in the shadow of your heart."

With loneliness so great, I was sucked into a back hole; stagnant. A life paused; reliving each moment. Rewind and play...end. Rewind and play...end. Days, weeks, months, years...passed within my love-lost black hole.

Whispers of you...
Memories knocking, haunting...
Cries in the night for the love-life that I had lost.
Regret for not knowing, not being ready.

The darkness swallowed me whole. My heart bled black in mourning for you...

"I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map. And knew that somehow I could find my way back..."

...and then I came to, realizing that you were indeed gone from me. Our love-spark was dead and rotten in the ground. I was tired of reliving the end, knowing that there was nothing past the end. There is no dynamic future tied to rewinding life to relive over and over.

And though our sweet moment - as a memory - is never-dead, always-lovely, I claim the end for what it is: a past life-love where my heart flourished and grew, and then was rejected and denied.

I looked around the black, encompassed in the shadow that was once our love-spark and knew I could find the light of my life.

And, so, I did. In time.
With relapses. With fond memories.
With chagrin and regret.
With honor and determination.

And, always, with love: for you- knowing that you spoke kindly to my young heart and loved it into a flowering garden of hopeful, sun-kissed dreams; and for me- knowing that I would find the me I had once been and dance with her again.

Dreams survive love-lost; they evolve with the individual pursuit of life-light and new love.

----

And the light is dazzling; and I love.

It is only in my occasional nightmares that I think perhaps I could find comfort in the dark again to be close to your heartbeat; to lay down my dreams and walk away for the familiarity of your arms.

"Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too. So I stayed in the darkness with you."

The putrid smell of rotten stagnation wakes me up; and I sigh with relief.

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Lyrics from Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine in bold