forty-six

“I Love You”

I didn't say it while we were together, because I didn't feel like it was welcomed. I said it...maybe twice; and each time, I heard that empty-room gong in my heart, but I ignored it and moved on. Maybe, if you didn't see how much it impacted me to say it, you wouldn't think I really meant it.

But, when I thought it was the end (and found out later, that it really was the beginning of the end), I told you, because I didn't want the curtain to close without you understanding that that's how I felt.

And since that fateful meeting, I think it all the time. And I know that it shines out of my eyes. But you've certainly drawn a line and it is clear that you don't want to hear it from me.

And, yea, I'm wallowing a little bit. I miss you.
I have to be strong in so many other areas...I am going to let myself be a little sappy over missing you. You are certainly worth it.

forty-five

I am jazzed and honored by your scrutiny and how you've defined me by your words.

I treasure the memories that define our past; I delight in the moment we "found each other again;" and I anticipate many more times of sharing time to review life and build castles in the sky.

You are in a category reserved for only a very few with whom I can take the time to survey the landscape around us to comment, dream and judge; and know that our minds meet on the same point on that plane.

forty-four

I don't usually call people out in my love letters - that's not my style. But this guy is a social media KING, so I don't think he'll mind; and I never offered up my thanks and gratitude for the insight and knowledge he offered...
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I never said thank you - and I wanted to let you know that I am SO THANKFUL for our time together in a professional setting and for what you taught me in the moments that we shared together!

I want to say thank you for giving me a new title, a title that more appropriately described my role within the crazy-awesome world that I was trying to build parameters around. I was...nervous to carry that kind of a title; and bucked - just a little - the responsibility that it saddled on my shoulders. But you were right - operations was definitely my niche, my role, my calling. Thank you for giving me the name for what I did (what I do) and for having the confidence that I was already filling it.

I wish you success and prosperity in your new endeavors!
Know that I remember you fondly and with respect.

Be confident that I've owned it, that title, and wrestled it down. Like a bull - it's been grabbed by the horns, thrown down, slaughtered, sliced up and is cooking on the grill as we speak. The super awesome grill-out party is soon to follow.

forty-three

I thought of you again...
I wish had I been ready for you-
I wish I had been more like the me I am now, then the me I was then.

And, even as I say that, I know that I am presently me because of you. Thank you for loving me and for unabashedly treating me with every bit of love and care in your heart. I wish I could tell you how much it meant, how big of an impact you've had in my life. Our time was so short and yet, I remember the challenge of desire - so fresh and sharp - keenly. Its aroma rolls over me and lingers.

If I could go back, I'd grab your face and kiss it - and you'd know how I feel.

forty-two

This goes out to 2 women.
We were girls in 1997, well young ladies...
And, you both encouraged me to embrace the wild curls that were taking over my head; and I wasn't handling it well. I did everything I could that summer to reign them in, tie them down, headband them back....spray, gel, anything...

It took a while, but I listened and learned to love them.
I dubbed this summer the "crazy, Amazon hair summer," because they erupted and cascaded over my shoulders and down my back; and I had finally learned to accept and appreciate the genes that made it so-

Thank you for helping me learn to love myself.
I love you and your sweet encouragement to move beyond the typical.

forty-one

Every single time I taste that taste or smell that smell - I am transported to a time when we were all one team. Eight months of my life shared in a way that can never, ever be achieved in the exact same way again. We were many, but for the same purpose became one; and in that act, we achieved absolute equal opportunity regardless of all the details that made us different.

And man, were we ever different! Gay, straight, blond, brunette, skinny, fat, short, long, tall, curly, black, white, yellow, quiet, loud, angry, sweet, academic, artistic, etc...

And we gained some, and we lost some - but we were always one.
And I loved being apart of the team; and I miss my space within the circle. But I also know that circle, like a bubble, popped long ago when Time played its typical trick on the romantic within me who believes that a moment can last forever. Lives change, we changed - I changed; and the team became new, and different one.

Our story is only remembered by us - if we remember it; and tonight, I choose to remember it and tell you that I love you.

forty

Thank you for being my secret, not-so-secret now crush. You've been the reason that a sweet smile will creep up the sides of my mouth and make my knees turn weak -- ironic too, because you are stoic and sardonic and tough. Hmmm, an interesting juxtaposition, I would say. And though I clearly want you, you have absolutely no interest - and I love you for snubbing me. It is crazy. But if you felt the same way, then I would tumble right back into the same old pattern and that wouldn't really be a wise decision at the moment. So, your rejection is in a dark and twisted way a means of protection - and I appreciate that; even though you don't know that you're doing it.

Your ignorance (or denial) is my gain. I get to daydream; and those always work out so deliciously, don't you think? (LOL - no, I guess you don't.) Feel free to continue to ignore my existence - I will enjoy the imaginary anticipation and feel secure in its lack of actual connection.

I love you for not loving me - keep at it. You're doing great!