sixty-two

I love you for putting in the work to raise a family. It’s one of the hardest things to do; and there is so much sacrifice involved. Thank you for denying yourself and giving of yourself…to your life-partner and to the new people, the new family members, that you’ve created together.

sixty-one

"A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind."

Damn, but I didn't expect you.
Our hearts, with time to engage, finally sparked against each other. The light was so bright, and I was so awed by the colors...

You were my heart's dream; its shade on a too-sunny day. I loved you and wanted to love you more - I thought my heart would burst from desire for you. The first time you held my hand, I knew that I wanted you to hold it forever.

And when you kissed me, I knew you wanted me. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew that this time, though ill-timed, was our time.

I had to grow up quick. Real life was mad-barking at your door, and though you tried to protect me, I wanted to support you more than I could express, more than I knew how to express. I was too young, too naive...and our love-light flashed, angry and misunderstood. I was blind...with love; with love-lost.

"The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out. You left me in the dark - no dawn, no day. I'm always in this twilight; in the shadow of your heart."

With loneliness so great, I was sucked into a back hole; stagnant. A life paused; reliving each moment. Rewind and play...end. Rewind and play...end. Days, weeks, months, years...passed within my love-lost black hole.

Whispers of you...
Memories knocking, haunting...
Cries in the night for the love-life that I had lost.
Regret for not knowing, not being ready.

The darkness swallowed me whole. My heart bled black in mourning for you...

"I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map. And knew that somehow I could find my way back..."

...and then I came to, realizing that you were indeed gone from me. Our love-spark was dead and rotten in the ground. I was tired of reliving the end, knowing that there was nothing past the end. There is no dynamic future tied to rewinding life to relive over and over.

And though our sweet moment - as a memory - is never-dead, always-lovely, I claim the end for what it is: a past life-love where my heart flourished and grew, and then was rejected and denied.

I looked around the black, encompassed in the shadow that was once our love-spark and knew I could find the light of my life.

And, so, I did. In time.
With relapses. With fond memories.
With chagrin and regret.
With honor and determination.

And, always, with love: for you- knowing that you spoke kindly to my young heart and loved it into a flowering garden of hopeful, sun-kissed dreams; and for me- knowing that I would find the me I had once been and dance with her again.

Dreams survive love-lost; they evolve with the individual pursuit of life-light and new love.

----

And the light is dazzling; and I love.

It is only in my occasional nightmares that I think perhaps I could find comfort in the dark again to be close to your heartbeat; to lay down my dreams and walk away for the familiarity of your arms.

"Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too. So I stayed in the darkness with you."

The putrid smell of rotten stagnation wakes me up; and I sigh with relief.

====

Lyrics from Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine in bold

sixty

Check out: http://thisoneilike.com/geek-love-1

 

I love how you make my basic life expand into something more beautiful and complex. 

You don’t change me; just expound on me - and I love you for that!

fifty-nine

My Path Leads to a Jump of Faith

Today is the day I’ve worked my last official day at a full time position that I’ve loved and nutured for over two years. I’ve left for various reasons, but the biggest one is the most important: it is time to pursue my passion, my path. It’s been tugging at me full force since this past summer. It’s been a dream since high school; but it has been a truth, a statement of fact, waiting for me to give it time and attention. And now is the time.

I had a breakfast meeting with my Boss, a heart to heart. And I told him that hedging my bets and hiding behind any other reason would dishonor my current calling. And I didn’t want to go down that way. I am either going to commit and fail; or commit and succeed. There’s no middle ground here; no safe spot. There’s only trusting in Faith and Love that the path that has been illuminated a step at a time, is the correct path. And even though it seems crazy, I can only trust that I am meant to walk forward…in faith, in love. I will own it and sink everything I’ve got, everything I’ve learned into it.
Because, only then, will I be able to answer to myself – proudly – at the end of it.

I wrote this in March 2010. It was true then; and it is most certainly true today.

In this moment, there is nothing else to do.
There is no where else to go.
No where to hide; no where to run.
Any attempt to escape would brand me a hypocrite-
A chicken, a coward.
And so, with a deep breath-
I look forward,
And my sight follows the path
Until it ends abruptly at the cliff.
All I see is air- space.
All I hear is the wind- the emptiness.
But my heart believes in more, in You.
In the quiet before any action, I breath:
“I trust in You; I believe You are there.”
I run; and at the edge I leap-

—
And the whole time, I’ve been safe in Your hands.

fifty-eight

The truth is, I heart you.

My love for you works as hard as the muscle inside our bodies that pumps life-sustaining blood to all areas of it. I want my love to keep you alive and healthy.

fifty-seven

I love you because your mind thinks differently than mine; 

and because it does, being with you opens up a whole new world for me.

fifty-six

I love when you kiss me tenderly. My cheek, my temple, my neck — they all appreciate the attention you give them; and my lips understand that all areas of the body should share in the delight of the attention your lips provide.

fifty-five

I feel like this is Nordstrom’s Love Letter to us, to Thanksgiving.

And in response, I’d like to say:

Nordstrom, I love you. Thank you for honoring families and tradition. Thank you for not ignoring such an important time for both at the Thanksgiving holiday. I love you for waiting to barrage us with yuletide until Black Friday.

I’ll stop by soon and show my appreciation in a way that you accept best: a customer transaction.

fifty-four

I’m sorry.

I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know…

we belong…

fifty-three

http://xkcd.com/335/

I love how we always figure out something: together.

fifty-two

I feel for my wife.

I am no saint, and have no intention of becoming one, but we were two clouds, and now we are one.

We were two ice cubes that the sunlight melted, and now we are the same free-flowing water.


from Aleph by Paulo Coelho

fifty-one

Love = never ending amounts of encouragement

I love how brave you are; how you’ve adjusted to my unmerciful “raising of the bar” yet again. I love how you try new things; and even though you’ve got limits, you explore them to the fullest with the most zest I’ve seen. I learn from you all the time; and I am thankful.

fifty

With you, I felt like I was 18 again. Enough experience under my belt to know what I was doing; not enough to be cynical. And completely in tune with my desire.

It was a perfect place and time to dream and be completely happy with sharing my life with someone; and that's how I felt with you. I was delighted to have you by my side, to share in the work and play with you. To know that you'd be there and to know that I'd want no one else.

Because no one else makes me feel the way that you do; and I'd choose you every time.

forty-nine

I love you. I've been telling you that for a few years now. I mean it every single time. And I will mean it come what may. Because when you come back from this (I cannot say if, I won't say if), you'll be different, but I'll love you just the same.

forty-eight

Oh, buddy; if this is how it is going to be, you had best prepare yourself. I can play tough with the best of them, and have. And I've measured you. You are just getting back into the game. Get your face on and let's go at it. It will be fun. Not to mention a good cardio initiative. I hear your heart beating, feel your blood pumping as loud and as hard as mine.

Don't worry. I won't hold you to anything.
But, best believe, I will love you all the same.