two hundred ten

Mike,

Another year passes. You struggle with aging, with the changes ahead. You’ve never been good at handling change you’ve had little control over.

I want to remind you how much I love you. How much I cherish all the silly times we have and will continue to in our future. I want you to understand how I don’t notice all the minuscule changes you notice as major changes because I am in love with you for what’s inside, not what’s outside.

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two hundred nine

I’ve traveled to many places.

Which means that I’ve woken up in many places. – with a feeling of happiness, with a sense of adventure.

But when the place I wake up is your bed…

Well, let’s just say that the past feelings...

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two hundred eight

You struggle with aging, with the changes ahead.

You’ve never been good at handling changes you have little control over.

I want to remind you how much I love you. How much I cherish all the silly times we have. How much I don’t notice all the changes your noticing because I’m in love with you for what’s inside not what’s outside or anything else.

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two hundred seven

You’re searching for yourself in a lost struggle on an emotional roller coaster of chaos.

You feel so overwhelmed, so out of control, so useless, unimportant.

Your days become hours of wake cycles for you to put on a fake face and go through your daily mindless motions. Do you not have any idea how loved you are? Any comprehension of it at all?

I would do anything to take away the pain that you feel.

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two hundred six

I continue to hope.

I hope that one day you will finally choose what’s best for your life – even when it means sacrifice and selflessness – so that you can prosper.

And because I continue to hope, I am easily disappointed when time-after-time I see you make decisions that fulfill your here-and-now wants and desires.

I want so much more for you.
I wanted me for you — but there’s only so much disappointment my heart can stomach. I had hoped to inspire you towards more. You are my family and so, I wanted the moon and stars and universe for you – but those kinds of treasures cannot be obtained by another on your behalf — you have to believe them, to want them, to pursue them for yourself.

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two hundred five

The unshed tears sting my eyes.

I’m not sure what to say.
It isn’t you who’s made me so sad or unhappy…Life has provided bombardment enough for that. Over and over again, the bombs drop and I’m desperate for a reprieve.

I’m not sure that you’ve ever seen this side of me. It’s a far cry from the easy smiles and bubbly exterior. I could tell that you were processing this newness, even as you were doing your best to comfort me. Even in my distress, I could appreciate your effort…you flip-flopped like a landed fish, from sweet and strong ready and willing to cradle me in your arms to chummy and sarcastic, your natural state of being. I know that you were trying to offer the expression “chin up” through out actions…

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two hundred four

I’m not even sure who you are anymore.

I see the photos online.
I see your smile as you participate in the happy times around you.
But are you really happy? Or are you pretending?

I thought I knew you, but now I am not sure.
I can’t figure out how you operate, how you live.
Do you even have a heart?

If you do, it must be tattered and torn – maybe jacked up with bits of machine, to replace the human parts that don’t work anymore.

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two hundred three

I love the way you wake me up so that we can make love.

At any time of day you step into my life and refresh my sense of being, my sense of purpose. You accept me as I am and touch me freely, reminding me that I’m a real. You ground me…with you.

And our roots, which grew tentatively at first, grow deep.
They stretch and luxuriate in the rich soil.

It’s a time to relax in each other; to grow.

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two hundred two

The way you care about me makes me a different person, a better person.

There’s nothing like dealing with the battles of everyday life – some of them winning, some losing – and knowing that I can come home to you. When you wrap your arms  around me, I feel safe. When you help me make dinner, I know that I am not alone in adding to the nurturing-care of the household. When you kiss me, I feel – whether win or lose – I am still desirable; and that you still see me as a worthy life-partner.

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